.......neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooowmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

travellerme was in the building.  Have a good week, what's left of it.

That sounds like a very good night. I want to see that so badly. =(

Have a great day!

J

Dearest friend, we received your package, I love the calendar!  as do mom and PC theirs, and the cards were lovely...

I do still have something to send to you, it's gentle reminder that I have yet to mail it, is a daily thing.

love and care...

Paid.

Hello,

Just stopping by. I read this a while ago, but I wasn't sure what to say by way of comment so I have been waiting for your next installment (No pressure! )

Just lately I have seen a number of programs on tv discussing the issue of transitioning. It came to mind to me today, thinking of you incidentally, that I have unconsciously sought approval for my choices right the way through my life and suddenly I think: enough of that. I'm flailing about at the moment trying to address this situation of taking a stand and doing what I think is right for me, even when it clashes directly with other people's points of view.

I guess making these kinds of changes in your life as you are doing must really show up who the friends are and who they aren't. I take a lot of strength from your making this decision even though some may find it impossible to understand.

We only get one life and I can't for a second imagine why you you should repress the very essence of self and who and what you are.

I am glad you are progressing and learning more about who you are and who you want to be.

I still have your lorriland package to mail.  You know me I am a scatter brain.

I hope you are well, really well.... and enjoying the sunshine each day.  I am looking forward to cloudy rainy days, I am enjoying the cool breeze and I actually woke 3 times last night shivering, reaching for my afghan.  I refuse to turn the heat on, though I did let it take the chill out this am.  We are to warm up again , so the a/c will probably have to go on, I would love a month where I can run neither.... but that doesn't really happen.  I guess if I have this much to say I should send an email, perhaps later today, I am in HR and miserable here as you know.... will update later today, so much to say, too many thoughts tangling up in my mind.

but such is me.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling hopeful. Life is too short to go through it feeling unhappy. If being Julie instead of Mervyn makes you feel happier, then it must be the right choice.

I liked your first image: "the sky kissed the waters of Parramatta River blue". You have a delicate sensibility.

Are mangroves a kind of fruit tree? I have a mental image of large, broad leaves on low-branched trees but I don't know why because we don't have them here.

I think it's great that you are restoring family relationships. I find it interesting that you write about Julie in the third person. I have a lot of questions but in some ways as you write you are gradually supplying the answers. I read on.

Gout was once considered a rich man's disease, came from fatty foods, and rich foods, steak and the like, I had a bout with pain once they thought was gout... xray proved differently but the pain was severe. I had not thought of this before but perhaps the pain I have had of late (about a month or two now) could be, ouch.... don't want to think of the treatment.....

I suffer psoriasis too, the meds have never worked, luckily winter is coming and I can cover up well :).

Hello Mervyn. A belated birthday wish for you.

I am reading your story unfolding.

I think I may have my suspicions where you are heading, but I'm just going to wait for you to say it.

[Travellerme]

Hello Trainbuff, I think of you often.

- Paid

kangaroo steak?

You seem peaceful but rather withdrawn. I've avoided the "Sex in the City" movie because I never cared for the series, but after reading your descriptions, I may reconsider.

You're not the only man who would enjoy more feminine movies. I get the impression my new friend Joe likes them, too, without any undertones of femininity in his personality. Then again, I don't really know him that well yet. But I don't really see why a gentle nature has to be feminine. Or if it is, some men are just better at getting in touch with their feminine side, which I consider a good thing. Traits that are considered feminine are generally those that support their role as nurturers.

Anyway, I've been wanting to see "Get Smart" because it might bring back memories of the TV show.

Do people tend to bring you down more than lifting you up? I know for my part, I would never unplug my phone because withdrawing from people would be my most direct root to falling into a pit of sorrow. But people are wired differently and certainly it's important to do whatever you have to do to survive.

My ex father-in-law is still an almost tangible presense in his family, even though he's been gone for over a year now. People leave their mark on the people who loved them. It's actually a comforting thought. I want to be thought of when I'm gone, even though I can't really fathom why it should matter, considering my view of the finality of death.

And then again, even in the face of death, and more than one death, the living move on, relatively unperturbed. And yet, life is significantly different, inside and out.

This sentence really struck home with me: "Aloneness is preferable to a relationship that is only a shadow of what you hope for." It's something I've grappled with time and time again since my divorce. I'm still not sure if it's totally true. I want it not to be true. But it's like fighting city hall.

If I had the chance, if distance and a whole slew of other factors were not an issue, I would most surely give you a hug, Mervyn. With it, I would try to convey that as different as we are from one another, we are in many ways, still in the same universe. Our experiences are surprisingly alike, even with all our differences in philosophy and religious thought and lifestyles. We have a commonality at the core because we both feel isolated in one shape or other.

Like two planets on their separate trajectories that for some quirk of circumstance carry them near each other for a brief moment in time. Molecules cross over and are shared, and each goes on a little changed, a little richer for the encounter. We both touch many lives in this way, including each others', and neither of us is really quite as alone as we often think we are.

I'm glad you passed your inspection. I hate them. I used to have them at my last place, it induces some form of horrible panic. Not nice to have to prove your right to existence in a place you pay to call "home".

Sorry to hear Allen is unwell at the moment.

Hello Mervyn,

It would nice to find a church that is not somehow touched by these issues, but I'm reading it in a lot of places lately, that feeling of sparky something which seems to be evaporating from churches or people who have preached so long it feels like automated monotone. Then there's me and I've tried to search out somewhere to feel at home in and wind up quibbling and tripping up over aspects of their beliefs or just finding myself in places that aren't quite "right". I admire your dedication to your church even if it frustrates you sometimes. I guess we all have to get our own "stuff" from God too.

I used to watch some MASH . They used to play it every evening here.

Glad you are back at work, although that's a kind of mixed blessing eh?!  Take care. Til next time.

no worries man...it may seem lk tonns, but dere r othas carryin more... but it's gd 2 hear uve lessened da stress (: nd i agree w/ ur friendship partner relatonship buildin thing... well sed

Shannon (:

I am sorry to hear about the recent medical event.  However I am very proud of your BP and your sugars .... Go MERVYN!  I do hope they get you into a cardiologist quickly, often these things are single episodes and that is what I hope for, perhaps just a little off due to some sort of virus or allergy.  Modern medicine is amazing.  I have been round the block with PC and his cardiologist many times and feel you will be well taken care of and back on the road in no time.

have you had an ECG before? PC's always throws them off because he has an inverted T-wave.... we alert them ahead of time and they review old readings and see we are correct.

Peace my friend....  PC would like one autographed copy of your book !  As a matter of fact I have a dvd on hold at the library, train journey's through Australia and New Zealand.

I just don't know what to say so I am sending this hug your way.

Death.

It's a subject I find myself considering and rolling around in the brain now and again. Recently, there was the death of Sasha's friend, Harrison which gave me much to feel and grieve over: the passing of someone so small and outgoing. It didn't seem fair at all. Then there was a close friend's mother some years ago who died from breast cancer. I saw the last moments, the closing hours, the way death falls like a shroud and whisks away...I watched her last breath. I said the prayer after and it felt like there was nothing "right" to say. I've said this to another diary friend recently that I cannot lie, even as a Christian I have a fear of death. It is hard to break that down to whether I fear my own mortality or whether it is more about being around to raise my children. I suspect it is something of both. I always mentally envisage myself as being the survivor in any kind of situation, it is how I see things. Perhaps that is a good attitude, who knows. The scary reality for any human is that death is something very inevitable. We have a prescription for many things in this day and age, but an eternal body in this realm isn't one of them. Besides, even having a permanent elexir for youth doesn't protect you from stepping out in front of a bus!

Beautiful trip.. feel like I've been there myself after reading your entry. For someone who seems to enjoy clothing, you seem happy to dispense with it altogether! I could never do it.. I'm not comfortable enough with my body, but I think it would be a grand experience. Wish I could see all those butterflies and lizards and colorful birds.

Last week I watched a little Australian movie called "December Boys". It had a good story, but even more wonderful were all of the gorgeous shots of the rock formations and part of the Aussie coastline. I'm not sure exactly where it was filmed and I know that Australia is as big as the US and covers lots of different sorts of terrain, but it made me wish I could visit someday. Not sure it will ever happen, but movies and descriptions like yours are pleasurable armchair traveling. Thanks for sharing.

Have you ever read "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching" by Thich Nhat Hanh? Or anything else by him? I think you would enjoy his writing.

I've been realizing that photography can often bring people together. Actually, I've known this for quite a while, but it seems to be finding its way to my attention recently. It make sense. It's our effort to capture what we see in a format that allows us to share our vision with someone else. But even the act of capturing the images can be a shared experience. There's something magical about exploring our surroundings through a camera lens.

I loved the way you spoke of your sister. You have a gentle soul.

Meditation can be rough :/

I'm trying to be more diligent about it.

I really like this entry. Your writing is very imaginitve and precise :)

WOW! Im glad I read your entry! Im struggling as well. It was kind of hard to follow your entry but the last sentance is what got me! Your in my prayers!

Cadee

I hope the train run went well, over those same tracks. Hopefully what happened last time was just a fluke. I'm impressed that you were able to operate on your computer successfully.. and the way you wrote about it was funny.

Single people have to seek solace somewhere. I have a big fat pillow on my bed that I hug when I go to sleep. I don't think an inflatable man would do much for me. From what I understand about Christianity, making judgments against fellow humans isn't supposed to happen ("Let he who has not sinned throw the first stone"), although I think in reality it happens all the time.

I stumbled on a comment you made on one of my early diary entries. I'm not sure if I ever read it. You must have looked at the beginning of my diary at some point and I never realized it. It was a good comment, as your comments always are.

I'm not sure why I stopped reading your diary. Hopefully that doesn't matter. I'm glad to be reading it again.

I choose a different way of dealing with the pain of isolation than you do. I'm never indifferent or emotionally independent. I couldn't be if I tried. It's non-negotiable. Clinging to others has its traps, too, of course. As you say, very little is permanent in our lives and loss is very painful. I guess the ability to survive extremes of emotional pain is one of my strong points. Yours is the ability to tune it out to a large degree. But some relationships do last. For me, living as if they will seems to make it more likely that they might. Probably not at all true, but perception is 99% of reality...

I'm glad you didn't hit the stupid people. Some would say the world would be a better place without them, but I disagree. Every negativity becomes a standard against which a positive can be measured and appreciated. I'm also glad you weren't overwhealmed by the experience. Near misses are not worth worrying too much about. Maybe they're some sort of cosmic way of warning us to keep our eyes more open, or to be grateful, or some other life lesson.

"...that I have little emotional dependency on people."

I do the same thing. I've been trying to let go. It's hard.

p.s. I like your writing :)

I often forget the same logic my friend....(lost item).

take care.

thank you for sharing....

I completely understand a large amount of this especially.

"while I feel B keeps tripping over old griefs"

take care my faraway friend.

Beautiful entry, tb.  I look forward to standing before God with you, and with all the other wonderful people here.  Not sure I'll be able to speak, though!

Rest well my friend.... and be safe.

the movies sound fun, a marathon is due!

Dear Mervyn,

Since I have heard your voice on occasion, each entry from you, is more alive, not written ... every reading is a conversation....

I can say this.... those are tough choices, but it is very cool that you have them, and you can toss them around your mind...

L

Is egging a big thing over there? my neighbors mentioned someone had egged their cars two nights in a row.... The closest I ever came was when EVIL read an article about using egg on your hair and how it made it look healthy etc, and decided I needed healthy beautiful hair... I don't think  the article said to crack the egg on my head, however that is what happened, and I do remember it being quite painful.

Harry Potter, has arrived at my house... though I seem to get very heavy eyelids when I attempt to read, that could be because it is 11:30 pm when I finally have enough "quiet" time.

Things are pretty much the same here, Junior has gotten some aggressive behaviour, I do hope it is the houseguest and not the disease.  But I need to write an entry... filling your comments is rude!

[PaidTourist]

Hi Trainbuff!  It sounds like lots of things are going on in your life.  I'm glad you have a roommate.  There's something to be said for solitude but having someone around to bounce ideas off of is good, too.  I pray that you're able to sort out all the details and be an asset in each other's lives.

Take care, and be well!  Love, Gina

I have friends like your friend Allen, whose friendship has weathered many storms and continues to flourish.  There's an underlying bond of some sort.

I loved hearing that you anointed and prayed for Adrian.  The Christian world needs more boldness like that!  I teach a Sunday school class, and every week we have a "prayer chair" in the middle of the room for anyone who needs intensive prayer.  We anoint and pray for whomever has a need, laying on hands of a roomful of prayer warriors.  It's powerful stuff.

Take care, TB.  Love,Gina

Oh friend, so sorry I missed your ring..... I must turn that volume up.... take care and thank you so much for thinking of me :)

Ah friend I know you are always with me, and prayer helps, so very much.